August 19, 2011

My Other Half Is Dead

Today, I wanna share with you a sad story that really make me sad and crying continuously...

My story will begin with my pain in theses words and will end the same way. It shouldn't be hard to believe but I'll promise that it is true..

I live in a house with both parents. my parents are Muslim and they were raised that way. me & my twin brother, ahmed werent. the things they tried to keep us from only lead us closer to it. my brother was my life. he was my twin.. he would always say "it's you and me against the world." i loved him more than i loved my self or anyone else. but i was selfish. my brother wasn't a man.. he feared other men. i was the strong one.. i was the one that was always there to fight his fights. to hold him high and take his pain. It all started on a regular day. we were walking in our area too meet up with one of his friends(scot). after a while of waiting his friend came up beside us in a car I've never seen before. The man(larry) that was driving was a familiar face but not a face that i liked. the man that was driving was nothing but trouble. Scot sat in the passenger seat not able to look into my face or my brothers or say a word. Larry looked at both my brother and me and shortly later he bulled a gun out and pointed it in my brothers face. Larry didn't say anything but instead he had a demonic expression on his face. i felt my hands tighten up. I felt a vibe from my brother. a horrible vibe. He didn't know what to do or what to say. I didn't know what he had possibly done to larry, but it didn't matter.. i had to speak up. i was furious but i stayed calm. i said: "Alright, you got it. Now what you gonna do with it?" Larry looked at me for a while but still had the gun pointed at my brother. I knew he was thinking. I had put him on the spot. To him, i knew i sounded fearless. For those couple of seconds I knew he was hesitating. Soon after, with the gun still pointed at my brothers face, larry said "Next time I catch you hanging around here, I'll blow your f**** brains out!" he lowered the gun and sped off. Me and my brother walked home in silence. We went into my room. i saw the fear through his eyes and his body. he was shaking. soon enough, he couldn't handle the silence anymore so he busted in tears. i told him that it's ok and that it'll never happen again but yet he still cried and cried. As i watched him shed his tears I thought to myself what would he have done if i wasn't there? how would he have handled the situation? i came to the conclusion that my brother was to weak and fearful.. that he needed to learn how to be strong and not fear anyone. From that day on i set a new life for him. i involved him in everything i did outside of the house. and everyone i knew that wasn't weak or fearful. My male friends found a interest in him. my brother and my male friends hung out everyday. They changed my brother so much that he was giving a name.. A street name. they called him "Reckless." The name had got to his head and i didn't like it. He was moving to fast for his own good. i told him i was worried and that he need to slow down but he didn't listen. he was truly the definition of the word "reckless". so instead he cursed me and ignored me. I felt that he didn't love me anymore. They way he treated me wasn't the way he used to. I didn't feel like his sister anymore. The months passed and he got worse. He wouldn't even look at me and the only time he would talk to me was when he needed money. He was never home anymore. Soon enough I got used to his ways and I stopped caring so much.

July 30ths was another normal day. I woke up and went to my friends house. My brother had came home really late that night and he was still sleeping when i had left around 1:30 in the afternoon. after a while, i came home. as i stepped into the door i saw him standing in the living room. he was dressed and about to go out. i remember it so well. it feels like it happened yesterday. He was wearing khaki pants and a navy blue and grey long sleeve striped polo. He had his black LA hat on with a black&Mild cigar behind his left ear as well. He told my mom that he wasn't going far and that he would be back soon but i knew were he was going. i knew everything... but what i didn't know was that would be the last day i would see him alive. He left around 5pm and i went to my room with my friends. 9pm came and my mom was worrying about him as usual.. but not me, because i knew things she didn't know. but yet i still looked outside my window to see if he was around. soon after i noticed a black car parked not to far from my house. i knew who's car that was and i knew it was an undercover police man because my brother and i were always watched by the investigators. we were always harassed by them in school and everywhere else we went. So once i saw the car parked i instantly called my brother.
"aye bro, don't come home right now. undercover are parked outside"
he replied "ok, call me back when they leave or text me"
"ok bro, love you"
"i love you too yo"
*hangs up*

that was the last conversation and the last time i ever heard his voice.. after that little conversation we had i watched for the car. when the car left around 10pm i text-ed him. he didn't text me back but i knew he got the message. Soon after, my friends and I went to my room to hang out. An hour passed and my mom was getting worried. Around 11 i tried calling him but he didn't answer so i called his friend(greg). i told greg to put my brother on the phone but he wouldn't instead he hung up. I was angry that he wouldn't put my brother on the phone but i knew why he wouldn't. he wouldn't put him on the phone because they were all in the car. it was always the same car. a ugly beat up blue truck that they all rode in. only three would fit in the front and the rest would pile up in the bed of the truck. so it sounded like my brother and his friend greg were in the bed of the truck. Hours passed and my mom fell asleep and my dad was getting angry. around 3am my dad came into my room and locked my window. he told me not to let my brother in the house when he got home. i waited till my dad left and i unlocked the window. only because i didn't care what my dad said. i was going to let my brother in regardless. but little did my dad and i know. my brother wasn't going to come home that night... he wasn't coming home ever again. after my dad went to sleep, i stayed up and waited for my brother to came home. i waited for him to come knocking on my window like he always did. i waited till i couldn't wait anymore. i waited till i fell asleep.

As i tell the rest of my tragedy i must say from this point on, everything happened so fast. I was sleeping and the next thing i know, my dad storms into my room and say "WAKE UP! YOUR BROTHERS DEAD"
when he said that, i quickly covered my face with my hands and rolled up into a tight ball. i thought i was dreaming. my eyes were shut so tight and for the first time i was afraid to open them. after a couple of minutes i opened them and got up. as i opened my door i heard my mom screaming and i saw three investigators and a couple police men. i knew all three of the investigators because they are always the ones after my brother and me. one of the investigators pulled me to the side and told me that my brother got killed instantly in a car accident. He told me that the driver was going very fast and lost control and hit a tree. soon after she hit the tree my brother was thrown out of the bed of the truck and he collided with another tree and broke his spine, both knees, both elbows & neck. once he told me i didn't know what to do. i couldn't move or breathe. my whole world crashed in front of me. the only person i really cared about was dead. my twin brother was dead. the one that always used to tell me that it was me and him against the world.

its been about a year sense he left me. and it still haunts me. it haunts me because if it wasn't for me wanting to change him then he would still be alive. if i didn't introduce him to the male friends i knew and the male friends that were in the car with him then he would still be alive. i was selfish and my brother trusted me. but he lost his life because i involved him with the wrong group of people. now that i look at it, he was perfect the way he was before. it didn't matter if he was fearful or weak because he was still my brother. if only i realized this before.. everyday goes by and i beat myself up for what i did to him. what i made him into. it's like i handed my own twin brother an hour glass. i limited his life. I'll never forgive myself because he's dead and I'm alive. without him, i don't really know who to trust. now its just me against the world. I used to be a twin but now I'm not. my other half's gone and its my fault. it'll truly haunt me to my grave and that's how i want it.


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